Every once in awhile in the quiet of mind amidst the chaos of my life I feel an overwhelming sense of love, and tears of happiness fill my soul.
I had this feeling last night after a stressful, worried day. I had been praying off and on in my heart all day for answers to the stress and worry I had been feeling. I had been praying for my husband. I had been praying for myself. I had been praying to be a better mom, a better wife, to somehow find a way to contribute enough. It came in a moment when nothing particularly special was happening. I was hiding in my room while my kids were supposed to be putting on their pajamas, too tired to deal with the actual running and screaming that was happening, so I sat on my bed hoping it would all fall into line on its own instead. I was chatting with my husband online while he worked, burning the candle at both ends once again, trying to create a successful business, while trying to keep me reassured and stressed beyond belief. I was watching "Antwone Fisher", which is an amazingly sad and remarkable story about someone overcoming so many horrible things to become a good man in spite of them and his struggles in healing from his wretched childhood. As I sat there, sad from the movie, worried from life, distracted by the chaotic background noise of my house, trying to be supportive to my husband, I felt these two distinct little feeties kicking me. Once again tears flood my eyes. I was given the most remarkable gift. I felt love. Love for that tiny baby growing inside me. Love for my husband and all of his struggles and hard work. Love for my rambunctious littles as they ran crazy through the house. Love for all of the people in my life. More so however, I felt the love of my Heavenly Father and my Savior. I felt love. I felt calm. I felt peace.
I wished I could have held onto that feeling for always. I wished that when I mustered the energy to leave my hiding spot and go be a mom again that I would be calm and loving and able to talk to my kids kindly and get them to listen. I wished that I could carry that joy, that happiness, that peace, that love with me always. It was a very needed and special moment. I did still have to raise my voice to get my four year old to stop jumping around like a wild man while we were trying to say family prayers. I still felt frustration only minutes later. However, the peace returned. My kids all fell asleep in record time with almost zero pleading. That never happens. And as I write this I have a lingering of that same feeling again.
Will life magically become easier? Definitely not. In fact, my four year old crept into my room moments after I fell asleep and slept with every bony appendage he possesses jabbed into my spine. I woke to him telling me what to do down to how I should talk, and what I should say. I woke tired and sore and grumpy. He and I have been battling our normal battle all day, but the feeling is still lingering and I feel up to the challenge of this day. Normally I feel like screaming by this point in one of his screaming, whining filled mornings, but today I am ok. Its annoying still. I wish it would stop. I wish the worry in the back of my mind would vanish. But mostly, I am ok. I can do it. Who knows, perhaps I will even accomplish something extra today. :)
