A German philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche created a famous philosophy, “That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.” While I believe this to be true, some days it just does not feel that way. Some days the scars that life has left on my mind and soul do not remind me that I am a stronger person now. Some days they rip wide open and bleed again.
My husband started traveling again this past week. He was home for an entire month and it was amazing. I almost had myself tricked into thinking that the traveling would perhaps be done. Funny. It has started again. Before he left I tried telling myself that it would be easier this time. I thought over and over that I was going to be ok this time. As hard as it is to not have him here physically, in that he isn't home to help, to see, to talk to. When he goes, mentally and emotionally I fall into a whirl wind of pains from the past. I am grateful that I can recognize what my mind is doing. It is crazy how powerful the mind truly is, and it is scary when coupled with a vivid imagination.
All it takes is one tiny trigger. One tiny bump in my expectations and I fall into what feels like an uncontrollable emotional state. I go through all the stages. Feeling abandonment, sadness, anxiety, anger, depression, and finally acceptance. I wish I could derail my mental train sooner and avoid all of the pain and suffering but I haven't figured out how yet. I have all of the tools, I know the ways to, but for some reason I resist. Another lesson I learned from counseling is that resistance + pain = suffering. So, instead of getting a handle on my reactive mind, I suffer. In my opinion the exhaustion that comes with it weakens my acceptance and fuels my imagination. Making myself rest and recover with six littles is not always easy during my single mom days. Instead, I struggle to survive through the post-traumatic stress. Until my husband returns home I feel constant unease. I slip back into dark places. I want to give up because feeling all of these horrible feelings is almost unbearable.
That is when I feel weak. That is when I do not believe this philosophy. That is when I pray that my husband will do all in his power to help me heal.
Healing is a painful business. I remember reading about the painful treatment of a burn victim and how they clean and dress the wounds. Each day they have to scrub the dying skin off of the wound in order to prevent infection and to promote healing and growth of new skin cells. That is what I relate the mental and emotional healing process to. It hurts. It is slow. It has to be repeated over and over again until all that is left is healthy flourishing growth. You have to scrub and work through the pain in order to promote growth.
That is where I believe this philosophy to be true. Each small step toward healing has made me stronger, even if the pain from the layers below still resurface. I continue to scrub out the bad even when it hurts. I continue to ask for a hand to hold even if that means exposing my pain.
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Stay At Home Mom . . . It is a love hate relationship for me.
I recently read this article by a stay-at-home mom that is literally pissed off at other stay-at-home moms for making her look bad. She basically says that she is sick of moms complaining all the time. Yes, I don't think any mom should complain all of the time, however, who doesn't complain once in a while. Even non-moms complain, shocking. (Men, hello!) Maybe this is just a psychologist term to help people feel better about complaining, but the word they use is "vent". Honestly I think that every single person no matter who they are or what they do in this life needs a source to vent to. Whether it be your spouse, significant other, neighbor, friend, clergyman, counselor, a blog, a journal, or working it out in your head while pounding a punching bag or running or biking mile after mile, or lifting as much weight over your head as you possibly can (you get my point), everyone needs to vent. If we don't get the babble out, the frustrations voiced then they are never acknowledged and then the worst thing of all happens, we bottle. I have been a bottler most of my life. Bottle it all up and bury it deep deep deep down inside. Well, you know what happens to a bottle that gets too full and gets shaken one too many times. It explodes. I have also been an exploder most of my life. I have found that talking, not screaming, and letting someone (or writing for me) know what I am going through (acknowledging it) helps me work it out and let it go. When you bottle you just hold onto things creating a deeper problem that comes out as a catastrophe when you finally can't take it any longer.
Yes, I think it is a blessing to be able to stay home with my kids. I am grateful that I don't have to drop them off somewhere everyday for someone else to take care of. I am happy that my husband goes to work and I get to be here for my kids. However, now here is the clincher, even though I love that I am a stay-at-home mom, it doesn't mean that it is always sunshine and rainbows. It doesn't mean that it is always easy. It doesn't mean that I love every part of the job. Most of all it doesn't mean that my frustrations are any less valid than someone else's. For example who cleans up throw up for over a week straight, does countless loads of extra laundry (several extra on top of the two loads a day norm), disinfects the house over and over as the stomach flu wreaks havoc through five of the six children and themselves (cleaning up throw up while you have the flu, yuck) and doesn't feel like complaining about it a bit. Yes, that was my last week, and yes it sucked, I truly truly hate throw-up. When that sickness hits, the only person I feel has it worse than me is the janitor at my kid's school and I am sure his person is more than willing to hear how disgusting his week was, and how much he hates throw-up. Maybe, maybe not. Now, I know that many people have much bigger problems than cleaning up throw up, or other daily frustrations. I know that truly it isn't the worst thing, but at the time it sure doesn't feel good.
Now, I am not condoning the people that honestly have nothing to say but all the negative things in life. I am saying that everyone needs an outlet to vent their frustrations however little they may be, they are still frustrations. I personally like to find the lesson in the frustration. I like to find how I can do better the next time. Do I do better, not always, but I like to process things and either find a solution or let them go through my venting. As for all the "mom blogs" out there that sound like they are complaining about their blessed jobs, I think they are just trying to find people to relate to. Being home all day with littles can be a lonely job sometimes. So much that when you finally have an adult to talk to you are so excited, but your day is filled with all things kid, so that is all you have to talk about. It may come off as complaining, but that is just reality sometimes.
So, if I complain or vent to much I apologize, I truly hope I am positive more than negative. For those of you that are always smiling and perfect I commend you. For those still trudging in the trenches, taking it one day at a time, and trying to remember the good with the bad I am right there with you.
Yes, I think it is a blessing to be able to stay home with my kids. I am grateful that I don't have to drop them off somewhere everyday for someone else to take care of. I am happy that my husband goes to work and I get to be here for my kids. However, now here is the clincher, even though I love that I am a stay-at-home mom, it doesn't mean that it is always sunshine and rainbows. It doesn't mean that it is always easy. It doesn't mean that I love every part of the job. Most of all it doesn't mean that my frustrations are any less valid than someone else's. For example who cleans up throw up for over a week straight, does countless loads of extra laundry (several extra on top of the two loads a day norm), disinfects the house over and over as the stomach flu wreaks havoc through five of the six children and themselves (cleaning up throw up while you have the flu, yuck) and doesn't feel like complaining about it a bit. Yes, that was my last week, and yes it sucked, I truly truly hate throw-up. When that sickness hits, the only person I feel has it worse than me is the janitor at my kid's school and I am sure his person is more than willing to hear how disgusting his week was, and how much he hates throw-up. Maybe, maybe not. Now, I know that many people have much bigger problems than cleaning up throw up, or other daily frustrations. I know that truly it isn't the worst thing, but at the time it sure doesn't feel good.
Now, I am not condoning the people that honestly have nothing to say but all the negative things in life. I am saying that everyone needs an outlet to vent their frustrations however little they may be, they are still frustrations. I personally like to find the lesson in the frustration. I like to find how I can do better the next time. Do I do better, not always, but I like to process things and either find a solution or let them go through my venting. As for all the "mom blogs" out there that sound like they are complaining about their blessed jobs, I think they are just trying to find people to relate to. Being home all day with littles can be a lonely job sometimes. So much that when you finally have an adult to talk to you are so excited, but your day is filled with all things kid, so that is all you have to talk about. It may come off as complaining, but that is just reality sometimes.
So, if I complain or vent to much I apologize, I truly hope I am positive more than negative. For those of you that are always smiling and perfect I commend you. For those still trudging in the trenches, taking it one day at a time, and trying to remember the good with the bad I am right there with you.
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