I write for me, sadly sometimes what I write is really revealing and depressing. Wow, can we get some sunshine in here. Some rainbows and unicorns or something! When they said, whoever they are, that the mind is a powerful thing, they were not joking. I keep meaning to read some of those positive thinking books, but I am always way too tired and never make it past the thought. Yes, the mind is crazy powerful. I am ashamed to admit that my mind has been casting a negative shadow all over the place with all of its power. I am ashamed to admit that being a mom has been really hard lately and that I secretly keep wishing for "these days" to be done. Then I get a little reminder that "these days" should be happy cherished days as every woman that has been here tells me, "you will miss these days, so cherish them." Deep down I know this to be true. So this is me cherishing :)
My baby is 7 months old and already I can feel his babyness slipping away from me. Babies of the family are babies of the family forever for a reason. Us mamas, myself included have a hard time letting go of that last baby. Even though we are physically and mentally ready to be done with our child bearing years, letting go of that last sweet baby is excruciatingly hard! My Enzo is crawling, he thinks he wants to be held all the time, but then he is wrenching away from me in every direction to reach something he sees. He used to sleep so good cuddled next to me and now he needs his own space to get a full night (or nap). He is finally sleeping again at night, so good that my sleep is interrupted because I'm about to burst if I don't feed him. I even had to leave a hysterical dream where I was joking about childish things with Michael Cera and his girlfriend so that I could wake Enzo up and force feed him. I'm having to let go of little things already!
My two year old Ramsey Rams has accepted the fact that he is a big kid and only comes for cuddles when he is sad. He wants to go outside with the big kids. He wants to go to school with the big kids. He wants to play with the big kid toys. His favorite toys are legos, not the baby duplos, but real legos and he can't wait, I'm sure, until his little two year old mitts can hold them without smashing them apart. He loves being outside and jumping on the trampolines, yes we have two. I love watching him with his big bros because he just acts like he is one of them, holding the three foot long nerf machine gun and all. However, he has little interest in talking or potty training, so I have that to hold on to!
My Rylan just turned five, five! He will be in kindergarten this year and cannot wait. He has tried to stay my baby despite the two new brothers kicking him out of his desired place, and he is finally starting to accept that he's a big kid. He still loves to follow me around as I do things and play role play games that he imagines up in his cute little head, prompting me what to say every few minutes. He rarely leaves my side, but when he does, I can feel him growing a little more each time. He can successfully go play with neighbors without slugging anyone, this is huge. Every morning he asks me if he gets to go to kindergarten now as he thinks he's too big and too smart for preschool. He is definitely getting big, even starting to wear his big brothers clothes. While I've needed him to become a little less dependent, I will miss his constant need for my attention and I hope he will always want to hang out with me.
Gavin is almost seven going on twenty. This kid is seriously an adorable, hysterical, painfully difficult enigma. One moment he will be sweet and so eager to please, helping while asking in depth questions or telling funny stories. He loves praise and approval, however, the next minute he will be so stubbornly defying everything that he is supposed to be doing, no matter how many threats. Whether it be with his silly (yet frustrating) antics like going limp on the floor giggling as you are trying to help him tie his shoes or his incessant demand that something is just too hard for him ( you know like picking up a bucket of toys or adding 3+2). He blew his teachers away this year with his reading and writing progress. He jumped 25 reading levels in three months. He is testing as high as the first grade level tests will allow. He could barely write his name at the beginning of the year and can now, when he wants to, write a full page story with correct spelling and it's even legible. Now he just needs to decide he's ready to conquer math the same way. It's all on his terms. This kid can carry on a full conversation with any adult, and you can see the brilliance in his eyes, the wheels always spinning, summing up the situation, and planning his next move. Slowly he is even figuring out that if he gives a little he may even get what he wants without a fight.
Cohen, my golden boy, my nine year old, my sweet tender heart, my quiet one has given me a little turn the past few weeks. He's coming out of his shell, getting a little rebellious, but only a little, and he is sillier and happier than he's been in a while. I love watching him gain some confidence and definitely some joy. I love that his stories are about all his friends instead of all his bad days. He just finished playing his first basketball season and it was so fun to watch him find his stride snd aggression. He even had the courage this week to tell his crush that he liked her. So cute! My favorite part is that he came home and told me all about his "big news" and how she called him, "her guy". This guy is almost always helpful, I had to get on him about not doing his jobs for about a week and the poor guy retreated so deep inside himself I thought I might cry. He loves his baby Enzo so much that when he found out I was taking him with me out of town, he cried because he would miss him so much. When we returned he immediately asked if he could get him out of the car and hold him. He is so sweet and growing into a funny, confident kid.
My oldest, Beckham, is eleven. He is becoming an amazing young man. He is severely responsible even though he doesn't really love all of the responsibility. He is respectful and learning that dealing with hard things and hard people is sometimes part of life. He actually loves learning, not all of it (math), but most of it he can talk about with excitement and his retention for facts is amazing. This kid remembers just about everything he reads. I need to tell him how Einstein was horrible at math and had the worst handwriting, but was brilliant. He is my Einstein (one of them at least). I'm sad that he is so big, so fast, but I love our relationship. I love that he talks to me, even if sometimes it is describing in detail his missions on his video games. I love that we can joke around and that he tells me about the time he spends with friends. I love that he loves so many things. I love that he is learning that I am on his side, even when sometimes I have to question him and talk seriously about life. I love that he loves and needs his dad. He is one of my best friends, but as much as he loves me, he is still a daddy's boy. I hope that he continues to be my friend throughout his teen years. I hope he keeps talking to me and asking question. I hope that he knows that I appreciate him and will always be on his side. I hope one day he will even be ok to talk about girls with me.
I love that I can write so many positives even though my day-to-day doesn't always feel this way. I love that positive thinking truly can make things better. I love that even though I have been feeling grey that I can pull myself out and find the reason for all this mess we call life. I love my boys. I love and miss my husband more than words can describe. I love that I can turn my negative shadow on its side and find the good buried beneath the hard. And that's why I write.
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