I must say that as per my norm I have fallen into a funk especially when it comes to finding the joy in all the messiness. I always have such high hopes and aspirations to redirect my negative, overwhelmed, why me attitude and then I fail again. I don't deal with failure well as no successful person should, but perhaps I take it a little too hard and want to give up completely. I am not dealing with life well and I need to reroute, regather, refocus, re-something so that I can do more than merely survive this life. Like they say you can't keep doing the same things and expect different results. So I suppose I need to find the time and energy to make the changes necessary to get a new result.
I must say I have one win in my books... I have successfully overcome the horrific cycle of laundry. Not that I don't still get behind from time to time, but I have merely come to accept that I will wash, dry, fold and put away multiple loads of laundry every single day (except Sunday, I refuse to do laundry on Sunday) for an unforeseeable amount of time and as long as I take it one load at a time and complete that entire load start to finish then I can handle it. Now I just need to implement my new found acceptance of my infinite course of laundry to all other areas of my life then perhaps I will find a system that doesn't leave me overwhelmed and in tears at the undoing and chaos that inevitably ensues from time to time.
I have never loved structure. I am a creative person, but I have a hard time focusing on one task. I want to be able to do all of it at the same time and end up with an amazing faster result. Instead, I end up with partially finished, abandoned projects and well disappointment. I recently read that creative minds get bored with projects because their mind is constantly thinking of new creations and the excitement of those new creations makes it hard for them to finish things currently in progress. That is me. I have a hard time finishing. Thus the laundry battle. I'm really good at getting it into the washer, and then I get sidetracked and have to repeat the cycle. So, if I can tackle laundry, which I don't know anyone who likes laundry, then I can probably tackle my other nuisances of life as well.
In my head I have come up with a system, now I just need to write it down and implement it before I get too bored or distracted creating something else.
See I am already bored of this post! haha :)
My second goal is to continue writing, as I have made this goal before, but here I am again trying. My first step was to declare it here. My second step will be to follow a mother's advice from a blog, of course, and to start a tradition of writing each of my children a letter on Mother's Day. My kids get a lot from me. A lot of direction, a lot of yelling, a lot of disappointment, a lot of support, a little fun, and always love, but I like the idea that each year they will get a letter from me telling them why I do the things I do, what I am thankful for about them and why I love them. I hope they will like them and keep them to remember that despite all my flaws and short comings that I did always love them and want the best for them.
Yesterday, my Rylan asked me if I always loved him. It broke my heart a little (not enough to keep me from losing my temper several times the rest of the day sadly) that he had to wonder. I assured him that no matter what forever and ever even when I was mad and yelling that I loved him. I am happy he asked and clarified because later that day when I was furious, he said to me, "Mom, I know you still love me even though you are mad, you still love me always." That is what actually softened my rage because I do. I love my kids. I love my husband. I love my family. I am imperfect, but my love for them is not.
This is me, one more time, trying.
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