"The Mark of Fear is not Easily Removed" -Ernest Gaines

Florida Lightning Storm

I have found, as many before me, that life will mold us into what we are.  Sometimes, we are forced into a mold perhaps we would not have originally desired or chosen.  Sometimes we become a mold without even knowing it, and later realize this is not the mold we would have or should have become.  The great things about this life is that we can change that mold, however change can be a difficult path to follow.  

As much as I try not to play victim to my life's experiences sometimes it is hard not to let my past direct my present.  More often times than not I let my past and the fears it has engraved into my mind, dictate my reactions in the now.  Not to dredge up the muck or to feel sorry for myself, but the fact is that life has not always been easy.  In fact on more than ten (some of them very long) occasions it has been excruciatingly difficult to the point that I was not sure I was going to survive to see the next chapter.  I have always tried to take the strengthening route from these experiences, however it usually takes my hard hard head quite a while to reach that conclusion.  More than once in my life I have come to find that before reaching the "this will make me stronger" aspect of the lesson, I allow myself to become an extremely skeptical and negative person.  Not that skepticism is bad, I believe in questioning, but negative skepticism can be extremely exhausting and hard to live with.  

My most recent struggle in life has in fact left me in a negative skepticism funk.  A person I love called me out on it and let me tell you it hurt.  I have been in survival mode for so long that my brain has taken control and constantly searches out all fault, doubt and fear before all else.  For me it comes and goes in waves, but this last onset has been a long one.  Sadly, I have known this and I have felt this for some time, and to be told by the one I hope sees my good over my bad, well it hurt and it brought me to tears.  Fear drives me.  Fear controls me.  Fear helps me look for every negative leaving little room for any hope.  As Franklin D. Roosevelt said, the "only thing to fear is fear itself." 

This life is dirty and can be excruciating and sad.  There is so much pain thrown in our faces every day.  Even if the pain I see has nothing to do with me, it shakes me to my core.  I really need to stop my newsfeed.  The hard part for me is to see the happy, the beauty, the fun amidst all the dark.  It overwhelms me.  However, if I constantly live in fear then I will never grow.  

This weekend I flew across the country to decide if it should be my families' new home.  There is so much fear in this that my mind was working overtime to shut it down.  I do not do well with change.  I have never liked change.  I do not change or grow or adapt easily.  While I was digging through the fear and trying to reach a decision, my mind constantly reeling and sorting all the changes, we drove beside the ocean and saw an amazing lightning storm.  Lightning is a scary powerful thing, but you can't help but appreciate its beauty however scary it may be.  Change is also a scary powerful thing.  Depending on how you apply it, it can be destructive or it can be beautiful.  We still haven't made a decision, however, I am going to work on seeing the hope and the beauty before the fear sets in.  I am going to stops searching for all the negatives and see the positives and solve the negatives.  I am going to grow.  Growing is painful, and it is worth it.