Love, Anemia and Denial

Happy Love Day!!! I personally am not that great at showing my affection for others.  My parents were awful at it.  I always got a little embarrassed when we lived with my aunt and uncle and they would kiss in front of us, like really kiss, not make out, but not just a peck either.  But, I also loved it.  I wished it didn't make me feel so weird.  I wish more that I had broken the cycle and was more affectionate myself.  I am working on it, it is a tough lock to break however.  I do love to show people I love them though.  I love making people feel special.  I am more of a gift giver than a hugger and a kisser... I love hugs and kisses myself, in fact I would say that is my love language, but not how I express love strangely enough.  So that is always my goal, to show my affection more outwardly, not be so guarded because of fear of what the receiver will think.  Fear is so debilitating and annoying and I really want to be done with it already.  

So, I went to my midwife this week and discovered, more confirmed, that I am severely anemic.  Although, I have had my suspicions, since I haven't felt this dreadfully exhausted since I was proclaimed anemic in high school, but it was nice to have a confirmation.  All the dominos have fallen into place.  I am not on some downward spiral of depression like I thought, however, it became one of the side effects.  After reading about anemia while pregnant, the light bulb turned on and everything I have been feeling all made sense.  Exhaustion being obvious, that's why I want to sleep all day and have no ambition.  But, I also learned that since my body is doubling the volume of blood, anemia can cause heart palpitations which can mimic anxiety.  It causes irritability, check.  It causes pale skin, check.  Dark circles, check.  Weakness, check.  Dizziness, check.  Headaches, check, check, check.  It was good to have someone confirm that something was actually wrong with me physically and not just mentally, ha, there is still that, but there is a cause and hopefully an end in sight.  So, now I am taking every supplement I can to try and get my iron and b12 levels back up so I can feel like a normal functioning, productive human again.  I seriously cannot wait!!!  Downside is everything I am supposed to take makes me feel so so sick.  So, now I am back to constant nausea along with still feeling like I want to die from tiredness.  However, I did have one amazingly productive morning this week.  I exercised.  I cleaned showers and walls.  I even got my tire fixed that has been leaking for months.  Yes, that is how tired I have been, even the thought of going to the store makes me want to cry because it sounds so hard!  Yep, I am ready for a steady level of energy.  I want to feel like I do more than get my kids fed and keep them alive throughout the day.  

I know I am kind of all over the page, but my hubs and I were talking and all of sudden I am really pregnant.  The belly has arrived.  I am nearly six months along so that is to be expected.  I truly think that this is proof of our mental power however.  I was in some serious denial before I had my ultrasound.  I didn't want to tell anyone.  I didn't really want to talk about being pregnant.  I didn't want to discuss or think about names.  I didn't connect at all with the fact that I am growing a baby.  I didn't want to think about being pregnant at all.  I just tried to get through each day and puke as little as possible.  I can still wear my jeans, not to brag at all, but just to show that I have been truly sucking this baby in just not to admit that I am pregnant.  I had heard the heartbeat several times, but it was always like, oh ya there is a baby in there.  Something about seeing him on the ultrasound, or finally announcing to everyone that I was expecting again that made me accept it.  Within the week I actually started to look pregnant, my belly started to pop out, I started to feel the baby move like crazy, I even started to love the sweet boy.  Sad, I know, that I hadn't felt that love  yet, the guilt still makes me cry.  But I Love this baby now.  It is undeniable.  I love every time he moves and reminds me that he is why I am going through this physical hell.  Yes, for me pregnancy is hell.  I am sacrificing for him because I love him.  The most beautiful part is that love for him makes me love my other boys that much more.  It reminds me that I went through all of this five times before, and I live my life everyday for them because I love them.