Mom, Wife and More . . .

I recently read an article that basically degraded the role of women from the beginning of time.  I wonder if the woman who wrote it either had the worst childhood ever or she just plain hates her mother, who lived an average life and gave birth to her and raised her.  I don't know, for how she turned out, maybe her mother is horrible.  It did however make me think.  Most women who responded were basically outraged as the article described women who get married and have babies are basically lazy and are not leading fulfilling productive lives.  She basically states that women who choose to be a wife and a mother are not living up to their full potential and are basically settling for mediocrity, taking the easy route, here I will just give you a taste . . . 

"Having kids and getting married are considered life milestones. We have baby showers and wedding parties as if it’s a huge accomplishment and cause for celebration to be able to get knocked up or find someone to walk down the aisle with. These aren’t accomplishments, they are actually super easy tasks, literally anyone can do them. They are the most common thing, ever, in the history of the world. They are, by definition, average. And here’s the thing, why on earth are we settling for average?   . . . If women can do anything, why are we still content with applauding them for doing nothing?" (Amy Glass)

First of all, this woman has obviously never been in a meaningful successful relationship.  A happy relationship alone takes work.  It takes thought.  It takes stepping outside of yourself and considering another human being in every choice you make.  My own relationship hit the rocks a couple years ago, it was literally hell.  However, this other human being means so much to me and me to him that we have been and are willing to go through the work of repairing and making our relationship better.    This work being much more difficult than any physical feat I have ever accomplished (having carried and given to birth to 5 babies naturally that is saying something).  The term mentally and emotionally exhausting is actually factual.  A relationship can be just that, but, now here's the catch and here is why we are willing to put in the work, it can also bring you more joy and peace and fulfillment than any personal accomplishment ever could.  It makes you a better, less selfish, happier person.  This is why we celebrate, this is why we throw showers and wedding parties, to celebrate the joy, not the accomplishment, but the joy.  

Secondly, this woman has obviously never had children, or probably even helped care for another persons little humans.  Children are work.  No maybe, we don't get any awards or raises, or promotions from bearing and raising our future generation, but they take everything from you as a woman, as a human.  From the moment you conceive this precious little life, you begin to give of yourself completely.  What a beautiful thing, to give yourself COMPLETELY to make another humans existence possible.  I myself worked through my first 3 pregnancies while throwing up for the entire 9 months.  I had healthy pregnancies, I am lucky, but imagine feeling like you have the stomach flu for 9 months straight while going to work, to a job you actually enjoyed, taking care of littles (mine were 4 and 2 during #3) as well for the second two pregnancies, and maintaining a household as well.  However, my real work didn't begin there, not at my job, but it truly began when I decided to stay home full-time with these little gems.  It's not for everyone, it is HARD.  Not only are you constantly wiping food off the floor and walls and counters and out of the carpet, or washing little hands and feet and faces, or finding healthy meals and snacks (my boys are always hungry) or teaching them to share or color or not hit or help pick up toys, or trying to get them to nap or go to bed,  or finding ways for them to use their energy like going on walks, riding bikes, going to the park, playing cars, or legos or anything so they aren't bouncing off the walls, or helping them with homework, or helping them learn to read or play a game, or teaching them to shoot a basket, play catch or kick a goal, or kissing owies and comforting them, or staying up all night with a sick child, or cleaning up more poop and throw-up than you ever imagined, the list could keep going, but you are molding this tiny human being into the type of full grown human being they will become.  This is a huge responsibility.  Overwhelmingly huge, and God gave you the trust to do it.  God doesn't care how well we walk through Asia, or make spreadsheets, or if we are doing the job of our dreams unless we are helping others and becoming better along the way.  He doesn't care about our accomplishments, he cares about people, he cares about people being happy.  Yes, all of those things can make you happy, and all of those things can be celebrated, but in the long run it's the people that matter, not the accomplishment, it's the joy not the high five or well done.  

Now this is where I started thinking because I don't always find joy in the journey.  I don't always appreciate that these tasks are actually doing what I believe, showing my children how to become good responsible loving humans.  I don't always remember that this isn't average.  I sometimes feel like I'm losing myself, my talents to just being a mom and a wife.  I sometimes want to run away and do the things I want to do and not clean and cook and break up fights all day.  But, then my 5 year old will tell me a funny joke about farts, then my 1 year old will cling to my leg until I take the moment to hold him and cuddle him as he rubs my cheek and hugs me, then my 4 year old will tell me how beautiful the clouds are while fully dressed as batman, then my unborn baby boy will kick me in the belly which is magical and strange all at once, then my 10 year old will tell me about the worlds largest dinosaur and pronounce it's name correctly and teach me what era it was from and where it was found, then my 8 year old will giggle uncontrollably at a movie line, repeating it over and over again and I see the joy.  I see the accomplishment.  I see that I have somehow given these little humans life, when truly they complete mine.  

Here was my second thought.  I don't know for sure, but I think there are other moms and wives out there that have had my same feelings of losing themselves and not accomplishing all that they could.  I think that there are women out there that do need more of an outlet than talking to a toddler all day.  Here is the beautiful part, they are doing it.  They are accomplishing motherhood, housekeeper, cook, taxi driver, tutor, loving companion, and more.  The so called mommy bloggers she referred to, they are doing this incredible task of "average" life and more.  I look at women out there creating and connecting and teaching others and doing things they love from their homes while at the same time being wonderful moms and wives.  Because they are cultivating their talents, they are growing as human beings, while at the same time enriching the lives of their children and husbands.  They are successful in so many ways it is astounding.  I am so impressed, in awe and inspired by these women.  When being a wife and mom started to feel too overwhelming for me, I taught myself to sew, albeit it began with halloween costumes for my children.  I then found social media, which can be debilitatingly distracting but also connecting and informative and I found this amazing blog ana-white.com  and I taught myself to build furniture, yes once again everything I have built has been for my children, lego tables, picnic table, sandbox, highchair, etc.  I found pinterest and I challenged myself in the kitchen getting out of my rut of a menu, and my husband and I both have benefitted.  I consider myself as good a chef as any culinary artist out there.  No, my foods may not be as exotic as some, but I keep learning and trying.  I have learned yoga, cross-fit, dance, pilates, yogalates, running races, ballet barre routines all from connecting with wives and mothers.  I am learning new things all the time from these amazing women out there called stay-at-home wives and moms who are enriching the lives of others while becoming much more than average themselves.  

My husband and I also still get out and see the world despite the fact that we got married and had 5 children.  We have been to Hawaii together, California, Chicago, Mexico, we've gone on a cruise while I was pregnant none the less.  No, we haven't seen the whole world or even country yet, but we will.  We go to concerts, professional soccer games, NBA games, and we even go to dinner and the movies at least once a week.  Even more shocking, there isn't anyone else I'd rather do these things with, especially not by myself, and, guess what, they bring us both joy! 

I myself have never judged women who, whether out of necessity or desire, continue to work outside of the home after marriage or even having children.  Every person is different.  Every person has different wants or needs.  I have many friends who are wives, mothers, and work full-time and enjoy their careers and their families, shocking I know.  These women are amazing!  My mom and mother-in-law are two of them.  I don't understand people that don't want to have children, I think its unnatural, but I am not going to judge them either.  I feel sorry that they will never hold an infant in their arms and feel that immense joy, that loving connection, that they will never feel the pride that I feel when my kids learn something new.  I understand people that don't want to get married, coming from a broken home (and marrying a man from a broken home) marriage scared me to death and with good reason, and I am happy that I overcame my fear, took the risk and am feeling the joy!  It is hard.  Parenthood is hard.  They take work.  They take being able to give, and give, and give some more.  There is no room for selfishness in either of these things.  Once again, I wouldn't trade all that work and giving for all the traveling in the world, for all the personal success, for all the accomplishment, because I have the greatest joy that can be had.  Yes, someday I want to travel with my husband and grown kids (when they are little its not really a vacation), someday I want to learn to paint, someday I want to actually finish one of the many books I have started writing, someday I want to have more adventures and learn all these new things and guess what, there is still time, my kids won't always be in diapers, they won't always need me so much sadly and I will do all the things my heart desires.  I will and I will share the joy those things bring me with the people I love and adore and the joy will be returned one hundred fold.  We cannot take accomplishments with us into eternity.  Those moments are fleeting, but I believe that our families will be forever.  The accomplishments just add to the joy, but what good is joy without loved ones to share it with?  

For now, I am a mom.  I am a wife.  I clean my house more than I wish was necessary.  I do laundry, oh so much laundry!  I cook.  I coach basketball.  I play basketball.  I write.  I build things.  I color.  I read.  I teach.  I cut hair.  I run.  I bike.  I swim.  I dance.  I exercise.  I nourish.  I encourage.  I comfort.  I grow humans.  I make love.  I create, and more.  I am not average.   

P.S. You don't hear men complain about how hard it is to do housework and take care of children because most men work outside of the home full-time and do not experience it.  They have a different role. Talk to some stay-at-home dads once in a while and you might hear a different tune.  However, every father will agree that being a good parent is harder than you think, that role they do share.