Mother's Intuition

Today I took #4, who is 4 to preschool! We tried last year and it was a battle everyday.  After a couple months of dragging him kicking and screaming, while I tried not to throw up, into the school, I called it quits.  It wasn't worth the trauma or the extra work while feeling miserable 24/7 on my part.  Now, this year he has been so excited to go to school.  It starts a week after all of the other boys of course, so he has been begging every morning since last week to go.

His name is Rylan, he answers to RyRy, and just recently decided to claim Rylan as his name as well. Rylan, as a baby, was perfect.  He was fat and rolly and happy.  He smiled and laughed all the time.  He was supposed to be my last, so I relished in all of his babyness.  I didn't push him to sit or roll or crawl or walk.  In fact I was happy for the three and half short months that he didn't move at all (yes, all my boys figure everything out way to early!).  I nursed him until he quit on his own, I know you're picturing a three year old still attached, but no he was 15 months and done.  He was easy, and sweet, and loved everyone.

When our family trauma hit Rylan was almost two years old.  My husband left.  Within maybe 2-3 weeks after he stopped coming home Rylan changed.  We all did honestly, but Rylan's change was the most apparent.  It breaks my heart to remember the day my sweet RyRy stopped laughing and hugging and began clinging to only me and screaming at everyone else.  I remember my mom came to dig me out of my black hole and he screamed at her the entire time she was here.  Anytime she tried to help him, he screamed and growled and ran to mom.  Two years and two babies later, Rylan is finally starting to let other people help him.   To let other people in.

My husband has been home for a year and seven months now after 15 months of roller coaster up and down, in and out.  In the beginning Rylan still screamed at him, refused to let him help him with anything, and refused to pay him attention or give him affection.  I can't imagine how badly that hurt my husband, but at the same time perhaps it was a hurt he needed to feel.  I know it saddened me to see how much damage had been done to my RyRy, how as a 2-3 year old he already harbored so much distrust, anger and pain.  I kept encouraging my husband to keep trying, but to let Rylan decide when he was ready, not to force it.  Little by little, Rylan let him back in.  It wasn't even every day at first.  But maybe just five minutes a week, he let his guard down and started to rebuild his relationship with his dad.  Now, after baby six, Rylan realized mom can't do everything.  He still has his moments where for whatever logic in his cute little noggin, only mom can make his cereal or start his movie or wipe his bum, but for the most part he will first ask for me then if needed ask for dad.  It was funny in the beginning of his trust building he would ask me then after I said hold on a minute, say, "can I ask Dad to do it?"  Rylan gives his dad hugs and kisses freely now as well, only on a really bad day will he refuse, and I love to see that healing and forgiveness that has taken place inside my sweet boys heart.

Back to today.  I was supposed to take Rylan to an open house to meet his teacher, the same teacher from our attempt last year, at the elementary school sponsored pre-school.  All summer I have been fretting about school for him.  Rylan, unfortunately still has a lot of the anger that he doesn't know how to handle.  I missed many teaching moments with him in some of my darker days and learning how to correct that has not been the easiest as I have my own impatience and anger to combat.  With this anger, Rylan tends to scream and yell when he doesn't get his way, and he also has a hitting issue.  With these issues, which I know where they stem from, family break down, and hello, fourth boy aggression, not to mention the overload of testosterone flowing through our house, but not everyone knows that (sometimes even those who do are not very understanding, another story).  So the elementary school preschool also has special needs kids, and Rylan is to be a role model and helper as well as a student.  Well, I was just feeling uneasy, as I had all summer.  Maybe it would have been good for him to be a role model, but my fear was that it would hinder his already faltering social skills rather than build them, add to his anxiety and anger, rather than diffuse them.  My fear was he would be too overwhelmed to grow.

At 8:30 this morning (after many many promptings in my thoughts, I'm not the best listener) I sent a text to #2's and #3's preschool teacher, who I loved, but she didn't offer 3 year old classes last year, and asked her if she had a spot for Rylan knowing that she probably started class today.  I had to swallow a bit of pride, hello flakey mom, texting the first morning of school asking to sign her kid up.  But, once she confirmed that she would love to have him and yes he could start today, I felt SO MUCH BETTER!

I am still nervous about how he will do, if he will scream at other kids, or hit them, or scream at the teachers, but I feel better.  I feel at peace with where he is.  This teacher knows me.  She knows we had a rough patch.  I will keep praying that I will know how to teach him, as well as my other boys, instead of react to their behaviors.  It is much easier to react than to teach, but not beneficial in the least.  I will also keep praying that Rylan will find a friend, a kid that is calm, and will see that you can react to life calmly and maybe I will learn to put that lesson into practice as well.

I am thankful for what some call intuition and what I like to call the spirit.  I am thankful that as mothers and parents, we have this gift, for without it I would surely be stumbling blindly throughout this life.  I am so thankful to have three, count them 1-2-3, mornings a week with only two kids at home.  It is so quiet!  Yes, my two year old has already picked up baby from the bouncy seat and hopefully set, not dropped, him on the floor after I hastily set him there unbuckled trying to get something done more quickly, but another lesson learned, and it is so quiet!  I am thankful for forgiveness and healing and the tender moments that make all of the hard work worth it.  I am thankful that after talking about the rules of school, that Rylan quietly went in and sat down and even though I could see he was a little nervous and overwhelmed when all the others started coming in that instead of crying and clinging to me, he asked me for a piece of gum to feel better (this is his prize for going to primary at church without crying).  I am thankful for the days I focus on my boys instead of reacting to them.  I am thankful for learning and growth.  I hope to continue down this path and pray that the stumbling rocky days will get far and fewer in between.