I know God gave us hormones for a reason. Several reasons. I know our bodies are these amazing functioning, reproducing, self-healing machines. I am sure that when everything is in balance and functioning harmoniously, peaceful bliss charged with energy when needed is achieved. That is what I want, and that is what I have not felt for a very very long time.
Part of what comes with being pregnant Every. Other. Year. for the past 11 years is the fact that nothing ever quite gets balanced out. Your (my) hormones are constantly fluctuating trying to figure out what the crap they are supposed to be doing leaving you (me) with an emotional, angry, crying, tired mess. I've had a rough few days. By thursday the past few weeks I am literally wiped out. Its like all the trying to be a good mom (yes, this takes serious effort on my part), to keep up with the house, the homework, the activities, the birthdays, the baby, the toddler, the tantrums, the fighting, the everything just slams me past overwhelmed and I feel like I can barely get out of bed by Thursday. I need my Friday to come one day sooner I guess. Thursday and Friday of this past week I felt like sleeping all day, I didn't, but I sure felt like it. When I get to this point, everything feels so hard. Replacing the water jug the other day caused me dehydration because walking outside and lifting the five gallon jug and carrying it ten feet just did not seem worth it. And to top off the exhaustion of the new fall chaos, I mean schedule, my hormones have decided its time to change a bit resulting in the cascades of what feels like never-ending hair fallout and sever moodiness laced with anxiety. SO MUCH FUN! GRRRRRR!!!
While I am in it, it is so hard to see past my bed. I just want to lay in my bed and cry. Unfortunately, (well sort of fortunate as well) that isn't aloud because so many little people have so many needs all the time. After I simmer the hormonal surge down a bit I can see a bit more clearly and am reminded that I also have to take care of me. Sadly, that is harder than ever to do. However, I still need to find a way. Through all of my trauma in life, the one and possibly best thing I have learned is that self care is so very important. I know this example has been used a thousand times, but it is just so perfect. In an airplane emergency you are instructed to secure your oxygen mask first and then assist others around you. Now, to the mama in me, this does not make sense. If I am in an emergency with my child, my instincts are to protect them, help them first and foremost. But, if I pass out from lack of oxygen, what good am I to my child. Right? Exactly the same in life. If I am so far past exhausted and burnt out that all I do is get frustrated and want to climb into my bed then I am truly not helping my children.
I had a good friend who has experienced a traveling husband with small children in her life tell me that the best thing she finally figured out was that she had to let some things go and not beat herself up about it. Now beating myself up is one of my specialties. My mom taught me well. While I can tell her that she shouldn't do that to herself and that she is this amazing woman and has to believe that, it is harder to give myself that same self-talk. If I take a nap, albeit very much needed, I feel guilty. If my house isn't clean, which it rarely stays as clean as I would like, I yell first, then I feel guilty. If I don't give each child special attention each day, I feel guilty. Honestly, there are not enough hours in the day for me to do it all and have any sort of self care whatsoever. So what is sacrificed, me. Somedays, its the shower, others my much needed exercise, and most always its the fun. Especially since hubby has been traveling and we don't have our weekly date, the fun has gone way down. There are many scriptures that talk about how men are to have joy, and I am not a scriptorian so I can only quote one, and I don't know the reference, so I won't. But, it is time to find the fun again. I used to be fun and silly and laughed and teased and danced and sang. I really need to find that me again, for me and my families sake.
So, after my third blow-up of the week, and all I could think of during it was that I wanted more out of this life than cleaning up after people over and over again, and wiping poop off of bums, and making other people food and breaking up fights and hearing "MMMOOOMMMM!" I finally snapped out of "it" and remembered I need to take care of me too, otherwise, I am no good to anyone. So, I used my hormone balancing oil, again, I got a drink of water and took my pills, and I lay on my bed (after I vacuumed, and wiped all the pee off of everything in the bathroom of course) for an hour doing nothing but talking to my sweet baby boy (saving me once again). It is my goal this week, even if it seems harder to keep this goal and fit it in to the chaos, to keep exercising everyday (keeps me sane), and to build something, even if its little. I will let you know if I succeed. I hope I do because I know there is so much more to me than cooking and cleaning and I will be a better mom and wife when I be all of that as well being me.
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