"Slow down, you go too fast . . ." -Simon and Garfunkle

Do you ever feel like maybe you're not a bad parent, but perhaps you could be a much better parent.  I just listened to a recording my #4 made on my phone.  Albeit, it was obviously bed time and he was not in bed, which is normal for him, but I was so dismissive.  He kept trying to tell me about a sweet new game while I was watching a soccer game and he kept getting the, "cool buddy, good, sweet," dismissive replies.  After three minutes straight of him trying to get my actual attention, some eye contact perhaps, I said, "please just go to sleep, I don't care anymore."  Rude!  Now, I can rationalize that is was probably well past bedtime and he was on the couch, where he ends up when he won't let everyone go to sleep after at least an hour of pleading, and so I was most likely exhausted and ready for some kid free time, but that still does not make being rude ok.

I have said it before, parenting is hard.  It's hard to always be the good example, to always be on your best behavior, even when you are an adult.  I think if we looked at how we reacted sometimes we would give our tired, fit throwing, fighting, whining kids' moments a little more patience.  In fact most of the time when my kids exhibit bad behavior I can see my bad moments looking me back in the face (shame).  Its a never ending circle of teaching and learning and growing.  Getting on the right track is the hard part, and relearning and reteaching is definitely the most difficult thing I have ever tried.  Old habits most assuredly die hard.  I remember when I was at least eight years old laying in my bed trying so hard to fall asleep without sucking my thumb and thinking, "I am never going to be able to do this, how will I ever fall to sleep?"

All we can do is learn and grow, break the bad and turn a new leaf.  Even if that leaf has to be turned over and over again, try is all we can do, and hopefully after 30 consecutive days of success a new good habit will be formed.  Those 30 consecutive days are definitely feel unattainable some days.  With Positive thinking in place, good thoughts, groovy vibes and all that jazz, I am on my way to trying.

One other quick thought.  I wish I could go back in time (and in the present) and pick up each of my two year olds and just hold them for an entire day and giggle and run and swing and play cars and explore everything on their level with them.  I have always had a new baby with each and every one of my two year olds.  As I have watched my #5 the past few months and how he has changed, had to change, it makes me a little sad.  With Ramsey I have noticed it the most for some reason, perhaps because I was sure he was my last baby and so I was holding onto the babiness in him.  Perhaps because with my others life was too busy or hectic or stressful, not that it isn't now, or perhaps I have grown.  I'd like to think it is the last.  Before #6 Ramsey was my shadow.  We cuddled in the morning.  We rocked throughout the day.  He played at my feet no matter what I was doing.  He was my velcro baby.  He wasn't needy, he just never got too far from mom.   Slowly as I have had to pass him off to dad or brothers so I could take care of Enzo, he has let go, and I am the one having the separation anxiety.  He is so independent some days I feel like I barely see him.  He loves to play alone.  Most days, once he realizes all the brothers are gone, he disappears into the toy room for hours only emerging for food or sleep.

On random mornings he will climb on my bed to cuddle, or try to rock with me and Enzo and even though I am the middle of a baby sandwich I let him because he just wasn't my baby for quite long enough, none of my two year olds were.  Slowing down and being still and noticing those moments when they just need to be with me, be my baby once again, even my ten year old needs them is something I have had to learn and am still perfecting.  Life is to busy and too short, but I want to remember those moments more than any other.