Writing the Next . . .

"You can't start the next chapter in your life if you keep re-reading the last one."  

I don't know where that quote came from besides the internet, but for me this tends to be true.  Today I stumbled across some things I wrote in one of the hardest chapters of my life.  As I re-read them, images and memories that haunt my dreams came rolling to the front of my mind.  Sometimes I think I should erase the things I wrote so that I don't see them again.  Some of them I do erase.  Yet some of them so poetically describe the pain I felt that I can't seem to let them go.  Why is letting go of the pain so hard sometimes?  It's like a sad movie, that you bawl through, yet it so beautifully captures the story that you want to watch it again.  I started seeing this pattern in my Cohen.  He would tell and re-tell me all of the awful things.  He was holding on to his pain and in that he was suffering.  As I talked to him and told him that he could always always tell me the hard things, the sad things, and that after I wanted him to try and let them go, and think of the happy things I realized I do the same thing.  While, remembering the bad is good in that it protects us from repeating the same pain, holding onto it and reliving it only keeps us in that dark place and prevents us form healing and growing.    

For me writing is a release, a way for me to let go of what is boiling in my head, a way to help me heal.  I have found that in the past few months as I have written, I have experience more healing and calm in my life than I have had in a very long time.  Something about putting my life on paper, acknowledging it somehow and then letting it go so that I can live the next moments, the next days, the next chapters in my story.

This is my best friend.  My baby daddy.  My soul mate.  My boyfriend.  My husband.  Fifteen years ago I saw his smile and loved him from that moment on.  We were pushed together and torn apart.  Our start was rocky, many ups and many downs.  We were both a little lost in a world that pulls people under if you're not careful.  Running away was how I coped, but from him, I could never stay away.  We married at twenty-two and our whirlwind family began.  Pregnant within the year and every year following, that became our norm.  Somewhere along the way life began to consume us.  The present, the past, the kids, the job; overwhelming to say the least.  The "us" we knew started to fade away.  Nearly three years ago a nightmare began and I thought it was the beginning of the end.  For the following fifteen months I fought not to lose this man.  He hurt me, yet my heart was not whole without him.  

When I thought I could take no more of the pain, God gave me a gift.  As I prayed to be able to let this man go, He reminded me of his face.  In my minds eye, I saw my best friend, the one who held my hand, kissed my lips, and walked beside me throughout our life.  Because of this gift I kept fighting, I didn't give up hope.  This gift felt fleeting however.  Fear kept reminding me of the past.  It was hard to love him some days because of the pain I held onto.  Yet, if I think back on that day, if I remember the feeling I had, the gift is still there.  A new chapter ready to begin.  I am turning the page.  Another healing miracle written this day.  

I love this man.                    

I cannot erase the past, nor the writings that I wrote to cope, but I don't have to re-read the pain.  I can walk in this day where the sun shines.  I can hold my best friends hand and hug him tight.  Although some days life still feels like a fight, this far I have survived.  I can heal and grow and know that tomorrow is another day and better if I make it so.    

I am thankful for healing.  I am thankful for forgiveness.  I am thankful for love.  I am thankful for my forever, my love, my husband.