2014

It's  a brand new year and I have been struggling to find hope in what it has to bring.  The last couple years and several others in my life have been trying, to say the least, but this resolution is not about the past, it is about helping me stay in the now and have more hope for the future.  One little side note from my past . . . I have had traumas as every human, and mine have left me with the dark abyss of depression that usually I can keep in check, but with my current challenge it has snuck in and is trying to stay.  I finally remembered the other day that writing, which I have neglected, is very therapeutic for the blackness in my mind and wounded soul.  I decided to start writing everyday.  I am going to write myself out of this dank mustering of self loathing that I have fallen into and hopefully become a better person in the process.

I have five adorable little energetic balls of hilarity and aggression that I call my boys.  Sometimes, they feel more like puppies or wild animals, and my husband and I joke that they are our dogs every time our boys ask for one so we don't need a real dog.  I am also currently pregnant and in two weeks will most likely confirm that I am currently growing our 6th boy puppy I mean human child.  IF this baby is a boy, I am actually very ok with it.  Boys, at least my boys, are busy.  They are pure energy and aggression.  They yell and argue and fight and wrestle and run around and rough house and don't seem to listen until the age of 7 and they even still whine, which to me seems like it should be against their genetic code, but they can also be very sweet and protective.  I love my boys.  Some days I want to kill them, and most days the fighting makes me feel like I am an insane person, but truly when I take a step back from the chaos, I wouldn't trade a single one of them.

Now, a girl on the other hand, I have always deep down hoped for a girl, but at the same time, they scare me to death.  I am not sure what i would do with a girl and all her feelings and attitude and hormones that would mirror mine to a "T" I know.  One me is probably enough in one household.  I am a tomboy with the aggression of boy and all the hormonal drama of a girl.  Besides the constant worry and fear that I would have about protecting a sweet little girl from all the horrors of this world, not that I don't have those fears for my boys, but I think with a girl it would be worse.  I think God knew boys were what I could handle.  However, it always brings tears to my eyes to think that I will never talk boys with a daughter, I will never help a daughter pick out her wedding dress and plan her special day, I will never help a daughter through pregnancy or be in the delivery room with her while she brings her child into the world.  Those things make me sad.  The void of those connections that I cherish so dearly with my own mom.

Truly, whatever this baby is, I know I will love him or her with all me heart.  However, I have been in such denial about even being pregnant that it doesn't feel real yet (besides the raging hormones, constant nausea, countless rounds of throwing up and my clothes getting tighter and tighter).  When I lie down and can feel the protruding bump below my navel, it feels so, and I hate this word, surreal.  You would think this was my first pregnancy and not my sixth because the emotions of disbelief and awe are so real.  Crazy to imagine I have another human child growing in my belly.  God entrusted me, who in my opinion am a little crazy, with one more human to teach and nurture.  Perhaps I need six chances to truly figure this motherhood thing out.  Perhaps, the healing that occurs inside of me when I have an infant is actually what I need in my life right now despite the fact that I feel increasingly overwhelmed everyday with the five boys I already have.  Or, perhaps, God just thought it would be a funny joke.  No really, I do believe He has a plan for us all, sometimes I only wish he would clue me in a bit more.

Today I start this journey.  Today I am choosing to write myself back into the light.  Today I choose to be in the now.  Today, in this moment, I feel a little bit better inside.