I grew up with three brothers. My mom did have two more girls when I turned 9 and 11, but by that time I was pretty set in my ways as most children are. I had already been molded by my surroundings, that being three rowdy brothers that treated me more like a brother than the sweet sister they had. Nevertheless, I was a tomboy. I was more than happy to leave my baby dolls with my mom to watch them, and chase after my brothers playing in the dirt, building tree forts, riding bikes, playing legos and cars and lincoln logs. Being outside was definitely my favorite past time. I don't think I thought shoes were a necessity until I was at least 10. I was a barefooted, dirt smudged, knees torn, scraped up little girl and I loved it. Running with the boys also meant keeping up with or beating the boys. I remember when I was 12 years old I would challenge the neighborhood boys to races, me on foot, them on roller blades or bikes. I learned that to survive with all these boys I had to be tough and I had to be competitive. I think to be competitive you have to have the constant belief that you will win. No matter what you are doing, you deep down believe that you have the ability to be better than whomever you are up against. As a kid I believed that. I wasn't afraid of anything or anyone.
As an adult I still hold on to this nature. I truly love to win. Even, more I truly hate to lose. My hate for losing has simmered slightly as I have gotten older. When I first got married, my husband and I decided to start playing tennis as we had a court in our neighborhood. My husband had played as a kid, I had maybe picked up a racket. My nature however led me to believe that I could do anything and I could be good at it. Now, I wasn't bad, it didn't come naturally, but I could have been much worse. Keeping my control in check was my biggest problem, and perhaps is a metaphor for my life. I wanted to hit it hard and fast and I could, but keeping it in between the lines was the hard part. I threw many fits, which are so excruciatingly embarrassing now, every time I lost to my husband. I was not used to losing and I had not learned how to do so gracefully We had similar situations when he taught me to play chess as well. I recall even tipping the board up once in my anger scattering the pieces everywhere. What a fun start to a new marriage!!!
To my defense I had recently started a way too intense form a birth control which started my epic hormonal unbalance. Some women can handle hormones fine, this woman however has moods like the devil when my hormones are out of sorts. Unfortunately that was just the beginning of a long road of these moody times what with 11 years of pregnancy and postpartum and pregnancy and postpartum and pregnancy, well you get the point. However, that first experience with birth control, where I no longer felt like myself, where all my emotions constantly boiled at the surface, where my rage took over at the drop of a hat, and my tears flowed helplessly after was enough for me to know that birth control was not for me, thus all of the ensuing children to follow.
I will say that I have learned to deal with my hormonal surges slightly better, sometimes it takes me a day or even week to realize that the reason I want to scream or cry all the times is due to these wonderful necessities coursing through my veins, but I have found natural supplements, breathing, exercise and just plain mental focus to help control the beast. Being aware and in tune with it is probably the hardest part. It is definitely easier to just let the wild monsoon of craziness take over and let it run its course with little or no regard to all the damage it does to everyone surrounding me. Sadly, my kids and husband are still victims, more lately than I am proud to admit, but I am trying. Last night my 10 year old said to me, and it made me so happy and sad all at once that I nearly did cry, "Mom, you seem like you are in such a good mood right now, like all day. Usually by this time of night you are all mad and yelling because no one is helping clean up." One small victory, despite the fact that I did have to continue reminding everyone last night to help, I did control the yelling. We can only win the war one battle at a time right?
Other than the fact that I have had to resign to the fact hat my husband almost always wins and hates to lose as well, I have also had to resign to the fact that I cannot control everything. I think that comes with competitiveness as well. We are a controlling bunch. Letting go of this control is indeed very difficult. No matter how much I yell or stomp my feet or punch walls, I cannot make anyone do anything. I can hope, I can ask, I can even beg, but in the end we all have our own agency. Learning to let go of this control is not easy. Learning to express my feelings and make others aware of what the outcome on my end will be according to their choices is all I can do. After that I oh so stubbornly have to accept whatever happens. Accepting this however, realizing that I cannot control everything around me, has helped me to deal with the nuances of life, slowly but surely, in a better way. Learning that yelling is not going to fix anything, it's not going to make me feel better, it's not going to make my kids or husband feel better, it's only going to damage me and everyone around me more and more. I know this, I tell my husband this when he yells and I am actually calm, but putting it into practice is just that. It takes practicing it day after day after day. I am now on day 2 in a row of no yelling. Wish me luck! Perhaps I need one of those safety signs as a reminder "such and such days with no accidents."
Someday I will will accomplish an entire week, maybe even a month and hopefully sooner than later, my need to win, control and yell will cease to exist. Challenge accepted! However, I don't want to lose all of my competitiveness. In this nature I have become strong. I have the confidence to stand up for myself and my children. I have to strength to stand up to grown men if I need to. These parts, the good parts I hope to rub off on my boys, to help them become strong men with a desire to win, but maybe a little less intensely.
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