Last night I fell asleep to "Julie and Julia" and I felt guilt, not really, but we will say resolve to make sure I write every day. Sleep has not been happening at night for this mama, seems I have someone creeping into my bed every night. Now, when I say my bed I mean literally, they take over my bed. They steal my pillow, they lay on top of the blanket making it impossible for me to have any more than a corner. They lay with their feet in my face, their elbows in my back, their knees in my stomach, flinging arms throughout the night slapping me in the eye. You get the picture. I can only imagine that my current unease also has my children out of sorts. Sleep deprivation definitely does not help anyone, especially when you already want to sleep all day. All the more reason to get us all balanced and feeling good!
I also watched the movie "About Time" last night. I loved it. Feel good movie with the ultimate moral being, live each day to its fullest, try to look past the small annoyances and fears and anxieties that we let ruin our days and steal away our happiness. Instead relish in the blessings and love we have around us. If only life were as easily fixed in a two hour long movie where everything magically works out, I know, but it was a great reminder for me. Something I need to truly work on. I get so caught up in my head and the stress of managing everyday life that I forget to see the beautiful faces around me, their innocent eyes filled with wonder and thirsting for more from me.
I am so not a structured person, I hate schedules, I quit in the middle of so many things. I have a picnic table I built 3 years ago that was my first build and I used warped wood and I need to rent a tool to get the stupid thing level so I can paint it, but there it sits, bare wood, unfinished. I have started writing 3 books only to get stuck and abandon them. Perhaps the perfect story is still waiting inside there somewhere. I have 4 blogs now, and I have left 3 of them neglected for at least a year, on of which is solely about my children. I used to dance ballet. I used to play the piano. I used to sing, well I still sing in the shower and to my children and most commonly the verses that are written in my head. But do I ever write those lyrics down? I have multiple business ideas that have been left undeveloped. The creativity is in there. For some reason, despite all the excuses I can dish out . . . five kids, pregnant or with an infant for the past 11 years (most of my adult life), life trauma, I just don't see things through. I don't want to make excuses anymore. I don't want to be afraid of failure anymore. I have always known hard work, so I don't think that it is too hard. But maybe, maybe when I get overwhelmed with anything I shut down.
Second new years resolution: finish things. So I am already 3 days behind plus the other 3 form not starting on the first, so that should make it 359 days of writing. That is my goal. If I don't accomplish another single goal, which I hope I do, but if that is the only one then perhaps I can break this cycle of never finishing anything!
It is comical because I decided to start this for me, about me, to help me. Yet, every time I think about what I will write, it centers around my kids. They truly are my life. They consume me from the first eye squinting moment of wakefulness to nearly the time my eyes finally close and my thoughts finally rest and allow me to sleep. They are who I am. Some days I feel that is not enough. Being a mom, yes that is amazing and should be fulfilling, and the moments it's not is all me I know for sure. Truly if anything I feel inadequate in the moments where I want to run away. I feel like a failure. However, I think that it is the mundane tasks that seem to reflect on the surface of motherhood that I am truly tired of. I feel like I am up for more in this life than cleaning the floors, and scrubbing toilets and walls sprayed with pee, I want more than to pick up toys, and dust shelves, and fold and fold and fold mountains of laundry. I am more than a housekeeper, more than a full-time cook, more than a domestic professional. I guess now I just need to figure out what more of me I want to become and how to get there.
I must say to all the bloggy moms out there that do these amazing projects and document them and photograph them and then share them and keep up with their readers, wow, can I have a few drops of that bottled energy and ambition you are stashing away. I truly am in awe. I love the saying, "there is a time and a season" even though I am the type of person that when I hear it I think, "ummm, that is just a cop out excuse." But, ya know maybe I am also the type of person that is way too hard on me and everyone around me. So, I am going to try and simmer down with all my expectations that just get trampled with failure and try to go against my nature and be understanding and compassionate even with me.
Wow, ok, talk about self evaluation and overload of things to work on. Crap, I am far more imperfect than I even imagined, and I can do this. In the words of Bob from "What about Bob?" baby steps. That is all any of us can do is take life one baby step at a time.
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